The Cauldron: A Pagan Forum

Remind me that I'm here, I'm not alone, not worthless. Thank you so much for reading; just that by itself helps.

(Tw for anxiety, depression, induced vomiting)

I kind of just need to vent, so I know I'm not alone.

I have so much trouble telling anyone when I am really in danger of hurting myself (usually mentally/emotionally rather than physically) and yesterday I finally told my parents and my partner that things had gotten pretty severe in my head.

For the first time in my life a couple of weeks ago I induced vomiting because the sick, sad part of my brain convinced me that I was "so worthless" I deserved to be hungry and feel wretched, which is not the way I usually react when depressed; I tend to get hopeless, passive and apathetic, rather than actively self-destructive. I know from years of therapy and practice how to motivate myself when I'm feeling passive, but I don't know how to combat or ease urges to hurt myself.

My parents and my partner are all wonderfully supportive people who are here for me, but somewhere in my chemistry there're engraved these anxiety-dictated commandments saying "BE USEFUL TO OTHER PEOPLE AT ALL TIMES" and "DON'T UPSET OTHER PEOPLE BY TELLING THEM ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS."

When I feel myself heading for an anxious episode I generally have the presence of mind to take my (as-needed) medicine, but sometimes they just spring on me and I wind up doing things that I know will disappoint my loved ones and myself when I'm doing them, but that same sick part of my brain says I deserve to make it obvious how much of a failure I am. In spare moments I catch myself thinking that anyone who has a good opinion of me only feels that way because I've fooled them.

This is really frightening to me because these are not my normal thought patterns, even when I'm depressed/anxious. I have always had very good self-esteem re: my body and soul, and this is not the beginning of an eating disorder or complete breakdown. No need to worry on that front. The one time I have gotten to the point where I couldn't function on even the most basic level, it was very sudden and my stress levels were much higher.

So the situation isn't really an emergency. It just sucks. It feels awful to have so much trouble getting myself to do dishes/laundry/bathe/go to bed on time (like I'm not doing right now.) It feels awful for my internal monologue to constantly be extremely degrading. I hate feeling like I have gained some footing in the mental health department only to slip down and scrape my metaphorical knees. :/

Today I made an appointment with my psychiatrist and tomorrow with my therapist; my mom is going to help me get to both.

All I guess I'm asking for is good vibes.
Remind me via brainwaves that I'm still growing inside and I will acquire more skills, and find a way to better the world while still being me.

Remind me that just because I spill out of my clothes and can't afford more, that doesn't mean I am doomed to ill-fitting clothing. I can get back to more exercise in the fresh air and yoga and yummy veggies and healthier skin and less stress-eating and shaming myself.

Remind me that I don't need to be skinny, I just need to be healthy.

Remind me that even though I left college my second semester on medical leave, and that's been 3 years ago, going back this fall won't be a disaster.

Remind me that my brain chemistry doesn't get a free pass to bully my soul.

Remind me that I'm here, I'm not alone, not worthless.

Thank you so much for reading; just that by itself helps.

All I guess I'm asking for is good vibes.
Remind me via brainwaves that I'm still growing inside and I will acquire more skills, and find a way to better the world while still being me.

Remind me that just because I spill out of my clothes and can't afford more, that doesn't mean I am doomed to ill-fitting clothing. I can get back to more exercise in the fresh air and yoga and yummy veggies and healthier skin and less stress-eating and shaming myself.

Remind me that I don't need to be skinny, I just need to be healthy.

Remind me that even though I left college my second semester on medical leave, and that's been 3 years ago, going back this fall won't be a disaster.

Remind me that my brain chemistry doesn't get a free pass to bully my soul.

Remind me that I'm here, I'm not alone, not worthless.

Thank you so much for reading; just that by itself helps.

All I guess I'm asking for is good vibes.

Remind me that I don't need to be skinny, I just need to be healthy.

Remind me that my brain chemistry doesn't get a free pass to bully my soul.

Remind me that I'm here, I'm not alone, not worthless.

...

Ahhhhh thank you so much everyone; I didn't anticipate this much support but I'm so thankful for it. Right now all I can do is take baby steps, but I really am feeling significantly better just from getting all of that off my chest.

I have sort of become a hermit over the past couple of years due to increasing social anxiety, and at this point I don't really have a community I feel I belong in here; not in school, not much of a friend group to speak of, not currently working. I am not great at figuring out how to join conversations or introduce myself, and so I don't know anyone here too well yet, but all of you guys on the cauldron are the closest thing I've had to real friends in a while. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Something that helps me a lot when I'm low is Boggle the Owl on Tumblr. I'm on Tapatalk right now so I can't link, but just Google him.