Skeptical yet Spiritual: At war with myself

[Pony]

I'm going to try not to fumble over words. I've been quite tired and stressed lately so sometimes I tend to ramble!



For years I have been frustrated with my spirituality, religion, and beliefs. When asked what I believe, all I can say is "I don't know". It's actually quite stressful for me.

I was raised in a split Baptist/Catholic home crossed with light folk Spiritual beliefs. However, even as a child, I don't ever remember believing in Christianity or taking it seriously. Unsurprisingly in high school I no longer considered myself Christian. Since then I've been teetering tottering, researching religions and beliefs, only to fall short of something I am comfortable with.

I research theism and polytheism and "wear" (for lack of better words) those beliefs. However there is no deity I have found that I feel comfortable falling under. So I drop those beliefs. I then think about atheism and it's also uncomfortable for the fact I feel there is something more out there on a spiritual level. I've repeated that cycle countless times.

Something else that makes me feel uncomfortable: I feel that some force or someone is there in the background attempting to grab my attention... yet my skepticism (or perhaps fear) fights it away and puts up a wall. It's a similar feeling that I had when I was younger and experienced what seemed, although I am unsure, like an guide/guardian spirit (a separate story that I can go into if necessary).

I just feel like I can be so much happier if I found a belief I can trust and am comfortable with. I am also scared of not being taken seriously by family, peers, or co-workers.

I know this is my own journey, but I could really use some advice or words of encouragement. It's don't know where to start searching at all. Paganism has struck my interest for years, even leading me to attend a couple of Wiccan gatherings to get a taste of the atmosphere. But, once again, my skeptic side prevents me from feeling comfortable. It's almost as if my spiritual side is at war with my skeptical side...

Hope I didn't ramble...

[Juniperberry]

I'm going to try not to fumble over words. I've been quite tired and stressed lately so sometimes I tend to ramble!

For years I have been frustrated with my spirituality, religion, and beliefs. When asked what I believe, all I can say is "I don't know". It's actually quite stressful for me.

I was raised in a split Baptist/Catholic home crossed with light folk Spiritual beliefs. However, even as a child, I don't ever remember believing in Christianity or taking it seriously. Unsurprisingly in high school I no longer considered myself Christian. Since then I've been teetering tottering, researching religions and beliefs, only to fall short of something I am comfortable with.

I research theism and polytheism and "wear" (for lack of better words) those beliefs. However there is no deity I have found that I feel comfortable falling under. So I drop those beliefs. I then think about atheism and it's also uncomfortable for the fact I feel there is something more out there on a spiritual level. I've repeated that cycle countless times.

Something else that makes me feel uncomfortable: I feel that some force or someone is there in the background attempting to grab my attention... yet my skepticism (or perhaps fear) fights it away and puts up a wall. It's a similar feeling that I had when I was younger and experienced what seemed, although I am unsure, like an guide/guardian spirit (a separate story that I can go into if necessary).

I just feel like I can be so much happier if I found a belief I can trust and am comfortable with. I am also scared of not being taken seriously by family, peers, or co-workers.

I know this is my own journey, but I could really use some advice or words of encouragement. It's don't know where to start searching at all. Paganism has struck my interest for years, even leading me to attend a couple of Wiccan gatherings to get a taste of the atmosphere. But, once again, my skeptic side prevents me from feeling comfortable. It's almost as if my spiritual side is at war with my skeptical side...

Hope I didn't ramble...

I'm not much of a "gods" type person, either. I do believe in them (not visualized as people) but it isn't any sort of intense and personal relationship. The main focus of my spirituality is the human story; honoring my ancestors and finding spirituality through tracing their footsteps, honoring my deceased friend whom I pray to the most, as well as my immediate family that's passed.

The good thing about polytheism and skepticism is that most pagan religions deal with what we literally see and experience through meaningul spiritual explanations. It isn't necessarily disproven by science because it's *meant* to be compatible with the natural reality. Learning why it rains doesn't change the fact that we still hope for rain. The hope is the spiritual.

I think taking on a new spiritual outlook is a lot like visiting a country; you experience culture shock, things appear weird and alien, you feel homesick. But the more time you spend there the more natural and welcoming it becomes until finally its home. Exploring paganism, is like that. And what you come to know you can't unknown. It broadens your horizons and hopefully gives you something of meaning.

[herkles]

I'm going to try not to fumble over words. I've been quite tired and stressed lately so sometimes I tend to ramble!

For years I have been frustrated with my spirituality, religion, and beliefs. When asked what I believe, all I can say is "I don't know". It's actually quite stressful for me.

I would try not to be stressed out though i can sort of sympathize as that is sort of what I had myself. I sort of settled on Agnostic sort of as another word for "I don't know". My advice is to try and not worry about this, take things slowly when it comes to religion.

I was raised in a split Baptist/Catholic home crossed with light folk Spiritual beliefs. However, even as a child, I don't ever remember believing in Christianity or taking it seriously. Unsurprisingly in high school I no longer considered myself Christian. Since then I've been teetering tottering, researching religions and beliefs, only to fall short of something I am comfortable with.

I research theism and polytheism and "wear" (for lack of better words) those beliefs. However there is no deity I have found that I feel comfortable falling under. So I drop those beliefs. I then think about atheism and it's also uncomfortable for the fact I feel there is something more out there on a spiritual level. I've repeated that cycle countless times.

Interestingly this is something I did myself. In High-school I explored Buddhism, Islam, occasionally christanity and other religions but it wasn't anything serious enough to feel like for myself I was a member of that faith.

However exploration of different beliefs and your own beliefs is good for your growth. so do not feel bad but instead take joy that you learn about different beliefs.

As for the different gods not feeling comfortable with them, don't feel bad. The different pantheons that exist out there is vast. A general experince is that one who follows deities will gravitate towards those they have some sort of connection with. As with religions do not be meloncholy at looking at different deities, but joy of learning.

Something else that makes me feel uncomfortable: I feel that some force or someone is there in the background attempting to grab my attention... yet my skepticism (or perhaps fear) fights it away and puts up a wall. It's a similar feeling that I had when I was younger and experienced what seemed, although I am unsure, like an guide/guardian spirit (a separate story that I can go into if necessary).

You can go into it if you like, I am sure people here would not mind. First I should say that some skepticism is good. A good questioning of your own beliefs does make you stronger IMO.

As for the spirit, a number of pagan paths accept nature spirits as well putting faith into one's ancestors. So it could be something like that watches over you.

I just feel like I can be so much happier if I found a belief I can trust and am comfortable with. I am also scared of not being taken seriously by family, peers, or co-workers.

First, as I have stated throughout this just take things slow. On a side note it should be noted that one does not have to wholly belong to one religious affiliation. For example I am generally a follower of a celtic path, but at the same time if I was invited to attend an Asatru blot I would not mind it nor feel like I am going against my main beliefs. Similar if I decided to attend a Buddhist ceromany.

As for other people not taking you seriously, my best advice is for you to take yourself seriously. While you should not worry about things, but you should also let others know this is a serious thing that is a part of your life. YMMV but for me I found being open while not shouting tends to be the best resaults. Meaning I don't hide that I am celtic pagan, but I don't go out of my way to shout it to the world.

I know this is my own journey, but I could really use some advice or words of encouragement. It's don't know where to start searching at all. Paganism has struck my interest for years, even leading me to attend a couple of Wiccan gatherings to get a taste of the atmosphere. But, once again, my skeptic side prevents me from feeling comfortable. It's almost as if my spiritual side is at war with my skeptical side...

Hope I didn't ramble...

Do not give up hope and keep postive. One method that could work is to look into mythologies that interest you and see where that leads you, others look to their roots as a starting spot for research.

keep in mind that skepticism is good as it brings in questions and questions allows you to grow as a person.

I do hope that I was able to offer you some advice

[triple_entendre]

So I drop those beliefs. I then think about atheism and it's also uncomfortable for the fact I feel there is something more out there on a spiritual level. I've repeated that cycle countless times.

Something else that makes me feel uncomfortable: I feel that some force or someone is there in the background attempting to grab my attention... yet my skepticism (or perhaps fear) fights it away and puts up a wall. It's a similar feeling that I had when I was younger and experienced what seemed, although I am unsure, like an guide/guardian spirit (a separate story that I can go into if necessary).

I just feel like I can be so much happier if I found a belief I can trust and am comfortable with. I am also scared of not being taken seriously by family, peers, or co-workers.

I would advise working, firstly, on your fear of not being taken seriously because of your changing religious affiliation braiding with a lack of such. If you're not trying to convert them, then it's none of their business to judge, "Oh, Pony's atheist/pagan/christian this week. Let's see how long that lasts, that wishy-washy lost soul / idiot." That's most likely just their insecurities being projected onto you.

Personally, I don't see any problem with shifting paradigms. When I post here, I'm a witch. But seasonally, a materialistic mindset just comes to me that I embrace, and start living with such a disconnect to how I could ever have believed in something so silly as witchcraft, spending so much time and energy (biochemical, not psychic,) and money on it... yet knowing the likelihood that I will eventually return to witchcraft again, in time.

Sometimes I go in-between, to some soft polytheism that applies to all non-material experience, and I say, "This is a sort of waking dream" -- my psychological projections, putting names and faces to abstract concepts, making imaginary friends of gods (who are real, as in they represent something that is real in my psyche,) taking the principle of myths instead of getting caught up in the symbolism, etc.

I adjust what of my spirituality that I will communicate, both depending on my paradigm at the given moment, and depending on my audience. Most of the time, though, I prefer to keep it very private. And I just say so: "I'm not comfortable with sharing that with you," "I consider that a private matter, personally." If criticized for my wishy-washyness that comes off as hypocrisy from the outside? "I have my moments."

Contradicting what I said at first, about shielding yourself against judgment, for most other things I think that to simply listen, to receive, and to notice the effect of what you are learning and experiencing-- this is common to both skepticism and spirituality. Look at the philosophy that was the source of skepticism: the Skeptikoi.

Skeptics, originally, were investigators-- not the type to dismiss something outright or aggressively, but simply recognize when "there is not enough information to support this."

I hope this helps!

[wadjet]

It's almost as if my spiritual side is at war with my skeptical side...

I can completely relate to this. All the touchy-feely intuitive floaty stuff that is a big part of spirituality has always made me itchy, because I want it, but it's not how my brain works.

If you're not comfortable jumping straight into polytheism, etc, I suggest taking a look at pantheism (the concept that Divinity is the Universe itself), before working out how you feel that Divinity manifests, and then how you want to deal with it.

I also strongly suggest looking up Discordianism. It is an excellent balance to both skepticism and gullibility.

[Shine]

I know this is my own journey, but I could really use some advice or words of encouragement. It's don't know where to start searching at all. Paganism has struck my interest for years, even leading me to attend a couple of Wiccan gatherings to get a taste of the atmosphere. But, once again, my skeptic side prevents me from feeling comfortable. It's almost as if my spiritual side is at war with my skeptical side...

I would suggest taking things slowly. Time is your best friend in this case. Nature, deities, magic, or whatever else you might be interested in won't be going anywhere anytime soon.

Take out a piece of paper and write about your beliefs about deity, the nature of the universe, and whatever else seems relevant to you. That will help you decide where to start. As for people not taking you seriously, this is your life. It's hard, but you have to come to terms with the fact that a lot of people are going to think you're silly. You can let that keep you from living your life, or you can politely thank people for their opinions, then shake your head when they leave.

Skepticism and fear will put up a wall, I know. I still have those days where I'm so afraid that I'm doing everything wrong or that I'm believing in nothing that I can't reach out to Bast, Anpu (Gr: Anubis), or any deity, for that matter. There comes a point where you have to "let gods be gods" and accept that you're never going to have a clear, logical grip on what deity is and does. It's not always easy, but I notice it's gotten somewhat easier over the past year and a half.

I think it's great, though, that you have such a strong skeptical side. It's going to be a great asset to you on your journey. As you make your journey and discover your path, I think your skepticism will settle down a bit so you can get something done. At least that's been true for me so far.

Eventually, you'll have an experience or small set of experiences that convince you that you're on the right path. Several experiences with deity, for example, virtually cemented my belief in polytheism. This isn't to say that I don't have my doubts some days.

Good luck! The journey is tough--and worth it.

[SunflowerP]

... for most other things I think that to simply listen, to receive, and to notice the effect of what you are learning and experiencing-- this is common to both skepticism and spirituality. Look at the philosophy that was the source of skepticism: the Skeptikoi.

Skeptics, originally, were investigators-- not the type to dismiss something outright or aggressively, but simply recognize when "there is not enough information to support this."

THIS.

It's common these days for skepticism to be equated with disbelief (organized so-called skeptic communities, I'm looking at you!), but dismissing something without examining it just because it appears silly at first glance is antithetical to genuine skepticism, which neither accepts nor rejects any proposition wholly without examining the evidence (and may well, on examining that evidence, determine that it's insufficient).

As such, skepticism is - as Shine notes - a significant asset to a spiritual seeker. Personally, I consider it to be the single most indispensible asset, though that's undoubtedly colored by my own inherent skeptical nature. Pony, you may find, as I have, that it's often more productive to ask, not, "Is it true?" but, "Is it useful?" - does it describe, however metaphorically, phenomena or experiences that cannot be described otherwise? is it more functional for you to act as if it were so than it would be for you to act as if it were not so?

(And then there's the concept of multivalenced truth - the idea that "factual" is only one way in which a thing can be true. There's a quote from physicist Niels Bohr that expresses this well, but I can't quote it from memory - does anyone recall it better than I do?)

Sunflower

[RandallS]

There's a quote from physicist Niels Bohr that expresses this well, but I can't quote it from memory - does anyone recall it better than I do?)

Perhaps "There are trivial truths and the great truths. The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. The opposite of a great truth is also true."

Or "The opposite of a fact is falsehood, but the opposite of one profound truth may very well be another profound truth."

[SunflowerP]

Perhaps "There are trivial truths and the great truths. The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. The opposite of a great truth is also true."

Or "The opposite of a fact is falsehood, but the opposite of one profound truth may very well be another profound truth."

The first one is closest to what I was trying to recall, but they both express what I was thinking.

Sunflower