The Cauldron: A Pagan Forum

And ironically enough, it makes things MORE confusing.

For what it's worth, I think the Morrigan is right.  YOU need to take care of YOU.

I won't lie:  Being an adult is a pain in the ass.  You have to find ways to meet your own needs.  For most of us, that means we have to be our own advocates and stand up for ourselves.  That is very hard and very scary, especially after years of being told by society how to behave "properly".

But you have a choice.  You can keep quiet and swallow your confusion and your hurt, or you can find a way to get what you need.

You told the Morrigan you would do whatever it takes to be cast in your dream role.  What if "whatever it takes" is going through everything you've gone through so you can come to the realization that therapy will not only help you heal from your past wounds and help you understand what's currently going on in your life and in your head, but also strengthen you and prepare you for challenging roles like Ilse, so you're ready when the next opportunity comes along?

I follow a Celtic path, too, although my goddess is Brighid.  I know from my own experiences and epiphanies that the Celts are big fans of putting us into situations that force us to finally understand what we need and how to get it.  

There was a point several years ago when Brighid told me in no uncertain terms that I was not then fit to do Her work and it was time for me to take care of myself.  To fail to get the help I needed Dyer my medical problems was to fail Her.  I couldn't do that.  

Since then, I've had to learn many hard lessons, including that sometimes I have to accept help from other people.  Doing so has taught me how to be as healthy and productive as I can be -- which sometimes is not very productive at all.  The difference is that I'm no longer alone.  When I'm in pain, I know I have support.  And knowing that, I'm a much better tool for Brighid, and I'm far better able to do the work She gives me.  It has not been easy, and I don't think it's ever going to be easy, given the nature of my medical problems.

I think you're at a similar crossroad right now.  You can choose to go on as you have for the last several months, and spend your emotional energy on things like your sister's opinion.   Or you can choose to look clearly at your own needs and find a way to meet those needs so you can do the work you're given.

Which do you think the Morrigan wants for you?

I'm sorry if this is harsh.  I don't mean it to be.  I'm only speaking from my own experiences with Brighid.  But if there's one thing She has taught me, it's that I can't be a useful tool for Her if I can't even take care of myself.

I can tell from your posts that you are not only a gifted writer and dedicated artist, but also a very strong person.  You have survived torments and pain that nobody should ever have to go through.  But that's the point -- you SURVIVED.  That's why the Morrigan wants you.  You survived.

You can survive this, too.  

But you're not a child anymore.  You're an adult who is responsible for herself.  And, moreover, you know how important it is to your gods that you honor that responsibility, even in the face of adversity.

I know what the Morrigan wants you to choose for yourself, and so do you.

But, ultimately, it's your choice.  

~ Aster

But as long as all she focuses upon is some acting gig that is never real she'll never step into the real gig that is supposed to be her life.

I think that's an excellent point.

IIRC, Sharysa made that statement in the context of the specific production.  But it wouldn't surprise me at all if the Morrigan chose to interpret it more broadly.  That sounds just like Her.  :cool:

(Or, rather, it sounds like how others have described Her. I have no personal experience with tM, myself.)

You told the Morrigan you would do whatever it takes to be cast in your dream role. What if "whatever it takes" is going through everything you've gone through so you can come to the realization that therapy will not only help you heal from your past wounds and help you understand what's currently going on in your life and in your head, but also strengthen you and prepare you for challenging roles like Ilse, so you're ready when the next opportunity comes along?

This makes sense in a very convoluted way. See below.

Which do you think the Morrigan wants for you?

I know that whichever way I go, she doesn't want me to give up.

I said to myself once that "Crazy stuff happens, especially in acting. My teacher fell through a trap door; I had a WALL fall on me. Someone might literally break a leg three days before opening night and if everyone else goes "SORRY NOT ENOUGH TIME," then that just leaves me. And I will do it in three fucking days."

The Morrigan said, "Yes. You'll do it because you want it that badly."

And one day I said, "Well, if I don't get cast for this production, Spring Awakening's amateur rights just got released this year. I'm Asian--I'll stop looking like a teenager in what, ten years? Maybe next time, I'll be the only one willing to take a three-hour bus ride to rehearsal and back."

Again, the Morrigan said "Yes. There is always next time."

Then one day I admitted that, "You know, maybe I'll never get cast in Spring Awakening--they don't call it a DREAM role for nothing. But there are hundreds of other plays out there that I'll have an awesome time performing, and I'm fine with that."

Third time, she said "Yes. This will not kill you."

So I guess I'm already starting to separate this from Spring Awakening and apply it to the rest of my life.

You know what they say:  "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger."  It's true.  It also makes you a stronger actor.  Bonus!  

Another thing I noticed is that she wants me to keep thinking about ALL the options. She wants me to keep going after this particular production until the last second of closing night; she wants me to audition for every Spring Awakening production I can make it to; she wants me to audition for every Spring Awakening production I can make it to for as long as I look the right age, even if I never get cast.

If I try to leave one option out, then she kind of... sticks me with something pointy and goes, "Remember what you said."

And for all three options, she wants me to keep doing this "if I get rejected, keep trying as hard as I can to change their minds."

But this last part is actually pretty normal for actors going after roles they want--I never did it before because I never had the willpower/confidence to try in the first place, and now I keep forgetting that most non-theater people would view this as unhealthy.

My theater group shrugged it off months ago.

I'm a second generation theater geek, and I don't think what you are doing is healthy. Don't blame it on theater just because you have am obsession.

I only did theater in high school, and I was mostly behind the scenes and friends of most of the theater people, but I agree with this.  Don't blame theater; just acknowledge you have an obsession.

Crap. Forgot to mention that after I fell asleep, I dreamed that Lily from "How I Met Your Mother" was pregnant. She gave birth early/unexpectedly, but it was the pleasant-surprise kind. The general feeling was "Shit, it's happening already? YAY!"

Since I'm not literally pregnant, it would mean 1) new beginnings/attitude, or 2) a major event is going to happen.

How exactly does that action translate to yes, no, fuck off, or anything else you might read into it?

 
It translated to "Yes" because it happened two seconds after I asked and it didn't feel threatening. My chest was important because that's where the heart is (heart = emotions/love), and the right shoulder felt like a pun.

Like, "Is this Aengus Og?" Right.