And now more gods are nagging me for attention.

[Sharysa]

In a rather... dangerous way.

So lately, I've been getting the urge to go to the beach. This wouldn't be a bad thing because who doesn't like the California beach (especially in summer), but there are two very specific things that bother me:

• The urge is really, really distracting and I literally can't get my mind off it. Even when I do, I keep getting reminded of it every time I see the gulls fighting over trash or when a sea-breeze comes along with the smell of the ocean.

• The urge is fairly dangerous. It's not just "Go to the beach and wade around," it's "Go to the fishing pier right now and JUMP OFF THAT FUCKER! *optional chants of "GO, GO, GO!"*" Despite being a Pisces, I'm a very weak swimmer--partly from lack of practice, and partly because I have, what, NO body fat. Floating is hard for me, let alone getting somewhere.

A couple days ago I did a meditation to deal with the urges, where I turned myself into a fish and discovered two things: My inner demon couldn't find me because it was looking for a girl instead of a fish, and I was really, really close to meeting the guy I've been having visions of.

Also, there are really strong ties to two pieces of writing: Peter S. Beagle's The Last Unicorn (every time I read Prince Lir's name, the urge starts up), and Yeats' Song of Wandering Aengus. Both involve the sea/water, both involve love, and both are about not giving up despite very steep odds.

Which ties in well to my situation; the Morrigan keeps telling me "DON'T YOU DARE GIVE UP ON SPRING AWAKENING OR YOU WILL REGRET IT SO BAD THAT I WON'T EVEN HAVE TO DO ANYTHING," Aengus keeps laughing his ass off when I ask him what Moritz's real name is or when I'll actually meet him (the most he tells me is "soon"), and now this maddening urge to jump into the sea.

Is there a way to contact Lir or Manannan without potentially drowning? They're not answering when I just meditate--it feels like they're too far away or something, because they don't seem to hear me when I explain why I can't jump off the pier. Should I try asking them on the beach and keeping REALLY tight control over myself? I haven't done that because when I first went to the beach, the "JUMP, JUMP, JUMP" thing got really hard to ignore and I literally almost did it. I was standing on the edge of the pier going, "Dude, I'll just turn into a fish because... I'm... a Pisces? Fuck it, NO."

Maybe a walking/wading meditation would be a good compromise.

[Juniperberry]

• The urge is fairly dangerous. It's not just "Go to the beach and wade around," it's "Go to the fishing pier right now and JUMP OFF THAT FUCKER! *optional chants of "GO, GO, GO!"*" Despite being a Pisces, I'm a very weak swimmer--partly from lack of practice, and partly because I have, what, NO body fat. Floating is hard for me, let alone getting somewhere.

.

...



It sounds like your gods are trying to kill you.

[Tana]

Maybe it is time, to take a step back, cool down a bit and think about what has happened so far, without pushing things on and on and on.

It can happen, that we focus so much on a thing, that we lose sight of what is right at hand. And whatever you receive in communication with the gods, in my experience each bit takes its time to rest in the mind and be pondered and be re-evaluated after a while.

[HeartShadow]

Are you sure you're dealing with gods here?

Seriously, this sounds like something playing silly buggers with your head, not gods. Or being pushed to see how far you can be pushed before you push back.

If something's trying to make you drown, or even RISK drowning, it is NOT your friend. I don't care if it's dressed as a god or a human or a glowing pixie. Not friend.

[stephyjh]

In a rather... dangerous way.

So lately, I've been getting the urge to go to the beach. This wouldn't be a bad thing because who doesn't like the California beach (especially in summer), but there are two very specific things that bother me:

• The urge is really, really distracting and I literally can't get my mind off it. Even when I do, I keep getting reminded of it every time I see the gulls fighting over trash or when a sea-breeze comes along with the smell of the ocean.

• The urge is fairly dangerous. It's not just "Go to the beach and wade around," it's "Go to the fishing pier right now and JUMP OFF THAT FUCKER! *optional chants of "GO, GO, GO!"*" Despite being a Pisces, I'm a very weak swimmer--partly from lack of practice, and partly because I have, what, NO body fat. Floating is hard for me, let alone getting somewhere.

A couple days ago I did a meditation to deal with the urges, where I turned myself into a fish and discovered two things: My inner demon couldn't find me because it was looking for a girl instead of a fish, and I was really, really close to meeting the guy I've been having visions of.

Also, there are really strong ties to two pieces of writing: Peter S. Beagle's The Last Unicorn (every time I read Prince Lir's name, the urge starts up), and Yeats' Song of Wandering Aengus. Both involve the sea/water, both involve love, and both are about not giving up despite very steep odds.

Which ties in well to my situation; the Morrigan keeps telling me "DON'T YOU DARE GIVE UP ON SPRING AWAKENING OR YOU WILL REGRET IT SO BAD THAT I WON'T EVEN HAVE TO DO ANYTHING," Aengus keeps laughing his ass off when I ask him what Moritz's real name is or when I'll actually meet him (the most he tells me is "soon"), and now this maddening urge to jump into the sea.

Is there a way to contact Lir or Manannan without potentially drowning? They're not answering when I just meditate--it feels like they're too far away or something, because they don't seem to hear me when I explain why I can't jump off the pier. Should I try asking them on the beach and keeping REALLY tight control over myself? I haven't done that because when I first went to the beach, the "JUMP, JUMP, JUMP" thing got really hard to ignore and I literally almost did it. I was standing on the edge of the pier going, "Dude, I'll just turn into a fish because... I'm... a Pisces? Fuck it, NO."

Maybe a walking/wading meditation would be a good compromise.

Dude, these are my gods you are talking about. I really think you are hearing them wrong. Manannan mac Lir would NOT be trying to get you to kill yourself, and I really doubt that Aengus would discourage you from seeking therapy. We aren't their children. We are their servants, their tools. A wise builder doesn't destroy his tools. You are either hearing them wrong, or you have the wrong number. This doesn't fit the very core of who they are, either in lore or in my experience.

[Sharysa]

Okay, so this is a REALLY REALLY REALLY long story.

• Aengus is NOT forcing me to not see a therapist. He explained that considering my situation, it's really not practical to explain the last half-year to my therapist when he can just take a look in my head and get pretty much everything right away. When I have the resources to see a therapist, I can definitely do so. This is kind of an "emergency." And he pointed out that if I can't trust THE GOD OF LOVE with my issues, how am I expected to trust a person who CAN'T take a look into my head and understand what I'm thinking?

• I asked Lir/Manannan/whoever why they kept telling me to do this and he/they pointed out, "You obviously miss the water since you take insanely long showers and keep "wishing" you had time to go to the pool--why don't you just jump in?"
  
  And I told them, "...Because people keep going 'Come on, you can't be THAT bad!', dragging me over to the deep end, and then panicking and fishing me out because I really AM that bad of a swimmer." And they said, "So go to the pool alone and take things at your own pace."

Maybe it is time, to take a step back, cool down a bit and think about what has happened so far, without pushing things on and on and on.

It can happen, that we focus so much on a thing, that we lose sight of what is right at hand. And whatever you receive in communication with the gods, in my experience each bit takes its time to rest in the mind and be pondered and be re-evaluated after a while.

You know, that actually makes a lot of sense. They keep telling me "Don't give up/Don't go back," but whenever I ask them what I should do next, they say, "You're fine where you are--just wait until we tell you to move." Similarly, when I ask the sea-gods what I'd do AFTER jumping in, they sort of shrug and go, "I don't know; do whatever you want."

...And I just realized that I was raised to consider "not giving up" the same as "keep going." Even if I said, "If I've done all the important parts, why SHOULDN'T I just wait?", my family just goes, "Because that's a waste of time! You ALWAYS have to do something!"

Which conditioned me to think that "waiting" was "wasting time," and also turned me into a workaholic/perfectionist.

[Tana]

Which conditioned me to think that "waiting" was "wasting time," and also turned me into a workaholic/perfectionist.

It's not.
Or is the time grain takes to grow and ripen wasted?
Nothing is always only going on and forward and faster and higher and better.
To think it is, is missing the point and overlooking important things.

And another thing: usually in my experience and what I've known of other folks around, the gods are not micro-managing your life = telling you all the time what to do. In the contrary, I feel it's more like 'nudge-look-now make something out of it'.

Maybe the way you've been brought up, that has influenced you so much, colors your perception, too. I think it's worth to take a break and look at the things again later. Besides, some stuff needs time, it's as simple as that.

[Sharysa]

Maybe the way you've been brought up, that has influenced you so much, colors your perception, too. I think it's worth to take a break and look at the things again later. Besides, some stuff needs time, it's as simple as that.

So many things keep going back to this statement. I keep telling Aengus, "I really should see a therapist instead of bothering you all the time," and he keeps countering with, "I'm the one asking you what's wrong. You're not bothering me. When you stop feeling like that, go ahead and see a therapist." I asked him once how long this was going to take, and he said, "Sweetie, it could be next week, or it could be five years from now. I don't know and I don't mind."

Similarly with the Morrigan, I asked once: "It's three weeks to opening night! What if I don't have enough time to learn the show?" And she answered, "You posted five songs on the theater's Facebook page. Four of them need at least three people to sing "properly," and you performed a monologue connected to the other. You worry about how you should put "better" videos up, but what did they tell you? "Save all that energy for the show." Despite this, you're about to put up MORE videos because you feel like it. Does that sound like someone who needs time?"

So I was forced to tell her no, and she told me, "Of course you don't. You just want time because your family keeps saying 'You can't do this because it's impractical/selfish/unrealistic.' When I decide to make my move, you'll be fine because you obviously know your shit."

Then there are the sea gods, who seem to have mistaken my constant "NO I CAN'T DO THAT" for downplaying my abilities like I usually do. Because after I told them that "the people who dragged me into the deep end" were well-meaning family members who made the exact same mistake, but physically dragged me into the deep end, let me go, and swam just out of arm's reach (only to haul me back to the shallow end the minute I started flailing in panic), they went, "Holy shit, why didn't you say that FIRST?"

At which I remembered that not all gods are mind-readers like Aengus, and I get the feeling that he only knows what I'm thinking because he's dealt with a lot of people who share my issues.

So... the urge to jump off the pier is gone now.

[Egarwaen]

Then there are the sea gods, who seem to have mistaken my constant "NO I CAN'T DO THAT" for downplaying my abilities like I usually do.

Are you certain they're the ones misinterpreting? This seems like the kind of experience that could mis-color all sorts of wholly benign messages in very bad ways.

[Sharysa]

Are you certain they're the ones misinterpreting? This seems like the kind of experience that could mis-color all sorts of wholly benign messages in very bad ways.

I think it was a mistake on both ends--I thought they were testing my faith or something, and they thought I was balking at the request because I'm so inhibited. They went really quiet when I told them my family made the exact same mistake and nearly drowned me twice.

And apparently they only kept telling me to jump off the pier because I "missed the water" so much they could hear it.