The Cauldron: A Pagan Forum

I read in mythology that the Morrigan (my patron goddess) is famous for engineering events piece by piece to suit her demands, and it can be hard to tell what she has or hasn't done or what she even wants you to do unless 1) you have a sharp eye for detail, or 2) everything's finally crashed down and left you a devastated wreck.

I have a feeling that those myriad little details are the main way she "speaks" to me, since neither of us are given towards prayer or rituals. I have a very complicated history of self-esteem/insecurity issues; consequently, the Morrigan has a habit of setting a LOT of choices in front of me to see if I have the nerve to actually choose instead of fretting for weeks like I used to.

Here's a string of the events that led me to my current point in life:

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Catalyst: Last semester in college, I met a childhood friend in theater class after years of nearly forgetting about each other. We (re)bonded almost instantly after recognizing each other, and it turns out that he and I both wanted to break into musicals. We chose to perform Spring Awakening, an award-winning musical, for our acting final.

Coincidence #1: While hunting for a site that didn't require me to buy a dozen copies of the script for a full production, I found Stageplays.com. I also found that the site had somehow linked the Annie soundtrack titles with Spring Awakening’s actual soundtrack--meaning that when I clicked on "Tomorrow" expecting Annie to sing about her optimism, I instead heard a bunch of guys singing about their hot piano teacher. So I sent an email to the site owners and got a very grateful email back after they fixed it, then laughed it off with CF in class. “If I hadn’t been looking at Annie and recognized Spring Awakening's music RIGHT THEN, they could have gotten sued by angry parents by now!” And then I realized how suspiciously convenient that was.

Of course, I put it down to my standard "I'm just worrying needlessly about random coincidences again" mentality. Until...

Coincidence #2: Long after we both ace our theater final (during which I downloaded Spring Awakening's entire soundtrack, considered Ilse my dream role, and lamented the fact that SA closed after only three years on Broadway), I have a dream where I'm rehearsing with my theater group. Suddenly, someone runs in and goes, "OH MY GOD, I JUST GOT A CALL THAT [gibberish] TRIED TO SHOOT HIMSELF!" We all went crazy and I was extremely glad to wake up, not least because I've had problems with depression myself for the past few years.

So I'm going crazy in waking life, wondering which of my male friends is going to try and off themselves (while not talking about it, because how the hell would I ask that kind of question?), but then I calm down and look up the meaning on dreammoods.com. Apparently, someone trying to commit suicide in a dream means that I'm soon to be in a dithering panic about them--which is unpleasant, but not quite as severe as suicide. One week later, Childhood Friend tells us that his mother is giving him the ultimatum of paying 500$ a month starting February, or else he'll get kicked out.

That sends me into a dithering panic/rage about how goddamn unfair his mother is, and I start praying to the Morrigan for any kind of help, or at least that he can move out on his own terms as opposed to his mother's. Eventually CF tells us that he's going to move to one of his friends' places in San Jose (he's leaving in April), so I resign myself to staying Facebook friends and make the most of the two-ish months we have left.

Coincidence #3: I find out on Glee's Facebook page that there's a Spring Awakening movie in the works, at which I scream and search Google for information, hoping to audition for Ilse's role and be internationally renowned. It turned out the movie is being made in Germany (where the musical is set), so I spend a couple of days bemoaning the fact that I don't live in Germany.

The next day, when I start to google "Spring Awakening" again, the auto-finish says "Spring Awakening auditions california bay area." Or something like that--I don't quite remember because I clicked it so fast. Which leads to the discovery that my hometown is holding auditions for Spring Awakening ONE WEEK AFTER MY OSTARA BIRTHDAY. I email the company for an appointment and more information, then announce on Facebook that "I WILL BE ILSE FUCKING NEUMANN IF I HAVE TO CUT A BITCH."

Coincidence #4: My former employer offers me my job back since she needs workers, which takes care of the money issue. Shortly after that, I get an email back from the theater company informing me of the audition requirements: A resume, a headshot, and sheet music for two songs.

Not Coincidences: I ask my theater professor if he knows any photographers, and am given his photographer's name and the general price of sessions (500$). He also offers to help look over my resume. I then ask my choir professor where to get sheet music, and am recommended a couple of reputable websites.

Coincidences #5 and 6: 5) Not one, but TWO of my new theater classmates are professional photographers, and one of them informs me that paying 500$ for headshots is too much even with a great photographer because all you need is basic makeup, nice clothes, and a plain backdrop. He's still deciding on his rates, but I figure it's going to be at least half of the first photographer's price. 6) The other classmate just joined the class a couple of weeks ago.

Coincidence #7: The previous three coincidences happened barely a week after I posted "I will be Ilse fucking Neumann if I have to cut a bitch."

Coincidence #8: My birthday is Ostara, the first day of spring, and I'm auditioning for SPRING Awakening. Spring is the time of beginnings, new life, all that jazz. And I'm not going into details, but I have a LOT in common with Ilse's character and backstory; in a sense, that literally makes me Ilse already.

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Of course I'm not going to waltz into my audition next month and demand the director to reserve Ilse's role for me (I'm ordering my sheet music tomorrow and figuring out when I can get my headshot taken), but the Morrigan certainly seems to be on my side for this. But I keep feeling that she's on my side as long as I follow through with my claim that I'll do whatever it takes to get this role. I mean, I'm not literally going to bring a knife and attack the other girls, but it feels like the Morrigan is saying, "You said you'd do anything for this role, but will you really do anything? Here's the job you found incomparably boring and tedious."

Being a bard, I've read a LOT of stories where the Morrigan offers someone glory/power/whatever on certain conditions, but they either refuse or can't meet the condition due to their personal flaws or really bad luck. At risk of sounding pretentious, I feel like whatever happens is what happens when someone actually goes along with the Morrigan.

I keep daydreaming about what could happen after I land Ilse's role, but I've noticed that it never feels WRONG when I do. Not the ones where I help out my castmates and the director is impressed; not the ones where I cringe through really embarrassing directions and everyone's amazed that I did them in the first place; not even the fantastically overblown ones where Moritz's actor turns out to be my dream guy and we become a power couple, or where my later auditioners go, "Oh, you went to a world-renowned acting school and your first professional gig was Spring Awakening? And you're still in your twenties?! Here is your script, good madam! We are overjoyed to have you in our cast!"

Whenever I remind myself how absurdly rose-tinted my fantasies are, the Morrigan keeps asking, "Why CAN'T this happen?" I answer, "Because this is reality and the odds of finding my dream guy among five guys is REALLY low." She keeps turning my answers into more questions ("Why is reality never as good as your fantasies?" "Because I'm not the kind of girl people go for." "Who says you aren't?" "...Me." "Why do you think that?" etc.), and it all keeps looping back to "Why can't this happen?"

I know that good things don't happen because I don't let them, usually through inaction or self-sabotage. I'm willing to trust her on whatever goes down and she's fine with that, but she knows I'm still bracing myself for some sort of disaster and she keeps saying, "You'll believe me when everything you want happens."

This is starting to feel like a fairy-tale, and it kind of scares me.

Has anyone else encountered this level of influence, from the Morrigan or otherwise?

I had remarkedly similiar experiences with my Lady, Hekate - except it took me months of being stalked every single day by movies/articles/other minor stuff with the same identical message before I finally accepted that, for some reason, She was really invested in pushing me toward professional writing (which is something i always loved doing, but never had the bravery or self-assurance to pursue consistently).

I still am not sure of why as writing is not really one of Her chief 'work concerns' but Her response to my questioning was pretty much the same you got from your Morrigan : 'you will understand when you get there'.

 
Well, the Morrigan is infamous for her connection with war and death, but she's also connected with fertility--my experiences with her have taken on a very notable "death/regrowth" pattern. There's also a lot of evidence that she's EXTREMELY intelligent.

I learned from my theater prof that nearly all of the arts are potent ways to start society-wide change, and that artists are most feared due to that quality--ie, the defeated side in a war would frequently have its artists regulated/driven underground/killed, or "just" forced to make propaganda for the winning side, but they'd find many, many ways around it. I finally realized that this is why the Morrigan would bother patronizing a bard/performer and she went, "Exactly."

I find no reason for the gods to be boxed too tightly into categories--they're immortal and extremely powerful. I can't comprehend any tailoring past basic repairs, but I can still appreciate my sister's ability to make clothes from scratch, and I lend her money if she really, really wants a certain tool/fabric but can't buy it on her own. Do I care specifically about it or understand why she needs something? Frequently not, but it would be kind of bitchy to just leave her hanging like that.

There are lots of times where the gods step out of their "normal" fields to help out their followers, especially if they're someone's patron. Sure, you're Hecate's devotee and you probably shouldn't sing someone else's praises too highly--but at the same time, she's your patron and she's responsible for helping you out to the best of her abilities. It would be a bitch move for Hecate to pass something on to another deity just because "it's not her problem."

.. There are lots of times where the gods step out of their "normal" fields to help out their followers, especially if they're someone's patron. Sure, you're Hecate's devotee and you probably shouldn't sing someone else's praises too highly--but at the same time, she's your patron and she's responsible for helping you out to the best of her abilities. It would be a bitch move for Hecate to pass something on to another deity just because "it's not her problem."

I would strongly disagree with that assesment.  Hekate / Hecate has been connected to me for a long time yet when something happened it was Hekate / Hecate that directed me to Athena for the duration of that situation.

It's like a friend had a connection to Kali and was getting frustrated and blocked by his own desires.  Hekate / Hecate appears to me one night and says Kali has my permission to speak through you but never forget you are mine basically.  So for many months I acted as the hollow bone or talking stick between Kali and my friend.  Once in a while i'd feel Hekate / Hecate there to look in but Kali was the one doing the speaking until that situation was resolved.

As a Patron her best help does not mean she has to do something outside of her realm of influence but guide you to the place that best suits her needs with her devotee.

...And you just said what I was trying to in a much clearer manner. This is what comes of being a solitary and not having other people to not-understand my point. *fights urge to edit previous post*

 
Not a warning, but a mod note -

And this is why we do NOT let people edit their posts after a certain amount of time.  If someone reads your corrected version, then the replies to it, it doesn't make sense anymore.  The conversation doesn't work.

So when you get that urge - don't edit, because it's a bannable offense.

I know that good things don't happen because I don't let them, usually through inaction or self-sabotage. I'm willing to trust her on whatever goes down and she's fine with that, but she knows I'm still bracing myself for some sort of disaster and she keeps saying, "You'll believe me when everything you want happens."

This is starting to feel like a fairy-tale, and it kind of scares me.

Has anyone else encountered this level of influence, from the Morrigan or otherwise?

 
I've felt like this with Morrigan several times.  It's scary to think things can actually go right 'for once'.  I've learned to be cautiously optimistic and do what I can to make things happen when things fall into my lap.  I put a bit aside when I can to help for the not so great times as well.  I've learned to trust my instincts as well as her guidance.  Recently I've had another deity come and help me out as well-not to replace Morrigan, but to add a bit more depth to what she's been trying to teach me.  I'm still deeply connected with Morrigan, but the different perspective/angle has been helping to bring things into a better balance.