Having Self- Esteem While Fat

[celestialwolf]

That said - I won't judge others. The choices you make are your own, and I won't judge wether it's wrong. Everybody has the right to decide for themselves, which includes the right to do things differently than I would, and to make mistakes or do unhealthy or dangerous things - as long as it doesn't put non-consenting others into danger or hurts them.)

Clearly it was mistake for me to post on this thread. I'm sorry for anyone that I might have offended. I'll just agree with what Inca said above and add that everyone's journey is their own. For whatever that may be, good luck and best wishes.

[Catherine]

I think it's important for you to provide what your weight is and what you're supposed to be at when you make statements like that. If you're within 20-40 pounds of your target weight, then sure I'd agree with you. But, speaking as a person who's morbidly obese, you shouldn't tell someone who is seriously overweight that it's okay to be that way.

Okay, first of all I'm not telling anyone to do or not to do anything. I'm talking about my own choices. About how I've decided to feel about my body.

You want context, here you go.

Up until my thyroid went wonky, I was a size 8. I weighed between 125 and 135 consistently. Then I got thyroid cancer and in a very sort period of time my weight went up to 175. I'm 5 feet 3 inches tall.

After two surgeries and playing around with meds for a while, I just expected that the weight would start to come off. That's what everyone was telling me, anyway. When it didn't, I felt really horrible about myself. I totally blamed myself. I thought that I just wasn't trying hard enough, not getting enough exercise, eating too much (though I wasn't eating any more than I used too), that I was using being hypothyroid as an excuse to be lazy, etc.

I don't know if you know anything about thyroid disorders, but if you're hypothyroid, just doing the laundry can be an adventure.

So, I gave the diet pills, daily workouts and weight watchers a try. I did this for three months and I got down to 152, but it was a serious struggle. As soon as I stopped taking the pills, the weight started coming right back. Weight watchers itself really didn't do much for me because I didn't eat badly to begin with. The loss was primarily from the pills. Pills that you shouldn't take for an extended period of time because they can cause all sorts of problems.



So for me, it's pretty obvious that this is the weight my body is naturally going to be. Unless I want to take pills, starve myself and work out to the point of exhaustion. I'm choosing to live differently and to accept myself the way I am.

I'm not saying, don't eat well. I'm not saying, don't exercise. I'm not saying, don't be concerned about your health. I'm saying 1) being fat doesn't automatically mean that you're unhealthy, and 2) there's nothing wrong with accepting yourself for who you are. It's a hell of a lot better than the alternative!

[Jenett]

So for me, it's pretty obvious that this is the weight my body is naturally going to be. Unless I want to take pills, starve myself and work out to the point of exhaustion. I'm choosing to live differently and to accept myself the way I am.

Yes. This.

(And yeah, thyroid stuff is an adventure. The other side is that when I was working on the diagnosis, I had a brief stint of going hyper and lost *thirty-five pounds* in under 2 months, and got nothing but compliments for it. (While I was going "Erm. Hi. Something really wrong here?" It all came back on when I got treatment and my metabolism stopped panicking again.)

I was lucky that I've been reading size-acceptance work and related supportive communities and blogs and so on for over 15 years: my self-worth is not about my body. (I want to treat my body well, because I'd like it to continue to be around for me. But that's different.)

You also draw out something that I think is really important to point out: it is entirely *okay* to decide that you are going to do decent things for your body, but not center your life around it. Any kind of limited food intake (whether that's type of food, or careful measuring, or whatever) takes time and energy to deal with. Exercise takes time and energy to deal with.

It is totally okay to say "I'm going to do some of that, but I'm not going to devote my every waking moment outside of work to those things" and decide to do other things with your time and energy. Just like it's okay that some people decide they like to run marathons, and some people like to cook 5 course dinners, and some people like to sit down and write novels (and some people like intensive ritual experiences that take hours to work through, and some people like to spend a lot of time in meditation or prayer or music or art...) - we can't do it all, and that's okay.

But for a lot of people - the vast vast majority - reasonable attention to food and moderate exercise (the 30 minutes 4-5 times a week, for example) have lots of benefits for the body in general health terms, but won't result in a noticeable change in weight. And yet, that's what's sustainable for most adults for long periods of their life, through various ups and downs and other important commitments and obligations.

There is also for me - and a lot of people with chronic conditions - that up and down thing. I've been saying I optimise for brain: stairs take a lot out of me (lung issues, far more than weight - walking on the flat is fine, or even moderate hills - so I take the elevator, because there are days when I get 15 more minutes of useful concentration out of my body when I do. I make food choices that optimise for my brain, some of which are less optimal for other systems in my body. And so on.)

[Catherine]

You also draw out something that I think is really important to point out: it is entirely *okay* to decide that you are going to do decent things for your body, but not center your life around it. Any kind of limited food intake (whether that's type of food, or careful measuring, or whatever) takes time and energy to deal with. Exercise takes time and energy to deal with.

It is totally okay to say "I'm going to do some of that, but I'm not going to devote my every waking moment outside of work to those things" and decide to do other things with your time and energy. Just like it's okay that some people decide they like to run marathons, and some people like to cook 5 course dinners, and some people like to sit down and write novels (and some people like intensive ritual experiences that take hours to work through, and some people like to spend a lot of time in meditation or prayer or music or art...) - we can't do it all, and that's okay.

But for a lot of people - the vast vast majority - reasonable attention to food and moderate exercise (the 30 minutes 4-5 times a week, for example) have lots of benefits for the body in general health terms, but won't result in a noticeable change in weight. And yet, that's what's sustainable for most adults for long periods of their life, through various ups and downs and other important commitments and obligations.

Exactly.

I'm refusing to obsess over it anymore and I won't let other people make me feel like I should.

Which is one of the reasons I wanted to resurrect this thread. I thought it might be a good place to vent our frustrations about the kind of pressure there is to lose weight. Especial post holidays when you see so many more diet adds and such, it can be really hard to feel good about yourself. I also wanted people who may not have been on the old board to have access to the links in the old thread. There's a lot of really good information there. I know it's helped me quite a bit.

[HeartShadow]

Exactly.

I'm refusing to obsess over it anymore and I won't let other people make me feel like I should.

Which is one of the reasons I wanted to resurrect this thread. I thought it might be a good place to vent our frustrations about the kind of pressure there is to lose weight. Especial post holidays when you see so many more diet adds and such, it can be really hard to feel good about yourself. I also wanted people who may not have been on the old board to have access to the links in the old thread. There's a lot of really good information there. I know it's helped me quite a bit.

What really kills me is the constant attitude that ANY body-squish is bad.

I'm not fat by any reasonable standard - not even the dreaded BMI thing. And yet - I routinely have to work with NOT seeing myself as a fat person. Because I'm not a stick figure. Because I eat when I'm hungry and I tend to snack on chocolate as well as cheese. Because my body will NEVER be the same post-kid as it was pre-kid without very expensive surgery.

I have a hard time even taking care of my body because of the messages that I get from the outside world - it's very tempting to go "I'm just fat, go away" when it comes to things like exercise. Which is REALLY unhealthy.

Fatophobia obviously hurts bigger people more, but the unhealthy self-image thing hurts EVERYONE.

[Asch]

Oh Thyroid my love why must we fight?

I too have hypothyroidism. For the last few months I've been a steady 185 and 5' 5 3/4".

During those months I was diagnosed, had my meds adjusted to what my doc told me was the right level - nevermind that it wasn't the right level for a healthy person with a properly functioning thyroid but rather a healthy person on the meds, yes apparently one =/= the other. Then my GI Bill benefits changed drastically reducing my income and the job I managed to get simply didn't make up the difference and I was still having to pay $110 just to have some kind of coverage. Needless to say I dropped my insurance and have been rationing my meds since then. Recently I got a fantastic job with amazon including coverage but have had to wait for the coverage to kick in. Anyway long story short, there are days where I don't have the energy for anything but work - and I now work at home - where I finish my last call, log off walk the six feet to my bed and sleep until 0500 the next day when I have to get up to start my next shift at 0600. Other days I can work a shift do two hours of overtime and make dinner and be extremely tired but functional afterwards. It's a miserable rollercoaster.

I do find it obnoxious and interesting that throughout rationing my medication and the holidays (with all the extra opportunities for tasty indulgence that accompany it) my weight has stayed at 185.

In the next few months I'll resume my medication via my new doctor/network, I also hope to get my car fixed so I can start going to the gym again because I like that post-workout glow and the gently sore muscles that go with it.

But as to my weight? Eff it. Apparently 185 is what my body likes so it's going to stay there until/if I take drastic measures which I am not interested in and can't afford anyway. So screw it. This is me.

EDIT:

I'm also trying to finish my degree, take care of a house built in the 1940s and make sure my chronically ill Dad eats something aside from Cup'O'Noodles and leaves the house every couple days. IDK how anyone maintains the insane weight ideals of society aside from a personal chef and trainer but I know that achieving that kind of thing would take a great deal more time, energy, and MONEY than I have now and am likely to ever have.

[Catherine]

Fatophobia obviously hurts bigger people more, but the unhealthy self-image thing hurts EVERYONE.

It's true, and EVERYONE is a target.

I saw an add last night where one of the pre-diet pictures of a woman looked completely average, to me! She looked just like most of the women I see every day. Yet, she needed to lose weight?

Sorry, I can't remember what diet plan it was for. There were too many to keep track of.

[Catherine]

Oh Thyroid my love why must we fight?

Sometimes, I'm almost glad mine is gone. From the stories I hear from other people, it seems easier to keep it all under control without one. At least I don't have to deal with random ups and downs that some people do. Although, if I couldn't get my meds, I'd be in huge trouble. Like death, trouble so...

It sucks that you have to ration your meds, though. That must be wreaking havoc on your system.

But as to my weight? Eff it. Apparently 185 is what my body likes so it's going to stay there until/if I take drastic measures which I am not interested in and can't afford anyway. So screw it. This is me.

Yeah, I regret my drastic measures for many reasons. the biggest regret is that when I started the speed pills, I also started smoking again. So here I am trying my damnedest to quite... again.

But, I'd rather be fat than have lung cancer.

[SunflowerP]

Which is one of the reasons I wanted to resurrect this thread. I thought it might be a good place to vent our frustrations about the kind of pressure there is to lose weight. Especial post holidays when you see so many more diet adds and such, it can be really hard to feel good about yourself. I also wanted people who may not have been on the old board to have access to the links in the old thread. There's a lot of really good information there. I know it's helped me quite a bit.

I was delighted to see that you had! And really happy about all the people who stepped up in that little kerfuffle, though not so happy that it happened in the first place. There is no legitimate reason why any of us should have to provide our weight numbers to someone demanding them; as Darkhawk said, it's nosy and intrusive, and moreover, there's really no possible purpose (online; from random person who, even if they're a health-care professional is not our care provider of choice; with none of the many, many other health markers which are also None Of Their Damn Beeswax; etc, etc) to demanding them other than concern-trolling, fat-shaming, and generally participating in Moral Panic.

I do think there's a lot to be said for voluntarily sharing them - while it can have the effect of causing those of us still struggling with internalized fat-shaming to think, "Well, at least I'm not as fat as that person," or, "Oh, no, I'm the fattest one here!", it can also help us to feel less alone at whatever size, and to normalize the diversity of weights. But no one should feel they have to; it's your personal information, to share or not as you prefer.

To which end - last June I got tempted by a scale and my felid curiosity. I haven't been on one in years, and was surprised and bemused (but, gratifyingly, unperturbed - all this Fat Acceptance reading pays off!) to learn that I was not still around 230, but was at 290. (I know where the addition is, too: pants and skirts I've worn for years still fit, but middle age and the menopausal process are causing me to change from a pear to an apple.) That's at 5'11", so I'm no longer a "tall in-betweenie" (as I think I described myself on the archive thread)... though I still have more trouble with finding clothes to accommodate the length of my legs than the width of my tushie.

Sunflower

[SunflowerP]

IDK how anyone maintains the insane weight ideals of society aside from a personal chef and trainer but I know that achieving that kind of thing would take a great deal more time, energy, and MONEY than I have now and am likely to ever have.

<nodnod> Thinness is (among other socially-unjust stuff that intersects with sex/gender, race, age, dis/ability, and probably other axes that aren't coming immediately to mind) a class marker.

Sunflower