A dangerous prayer! (S##t, this stuff is real!)

[Mark C.]

I’ve not posted anything for a few months. Basically that is because my world fell apart! Not really appropriate to go into the details but here is the salient points.

I was thinking about how Odin is the god of the “big picture” and how coming to his attention can be a dangerous thing. Later that day I was meditating and in my mind I said something along the lines of, “If there are things in my life that should not be there, or there is a role, no matter how minor, that I could play in the greater scheme of things that I am currently not in a position for, then – and I know this may be a foolish thing to ask – please rip those things away and push me to where I should be regardless of personal cost.” Two days later and that “prayer” was dramatically answered!

Everything that I hold dear was ripped away from me in the most painful way possible. I’ve had by life smashed to pieces, I’ve been betrayed by those I fully trusted, I’ve had those who I thought loved me try to destroy me, I’ve had terrible lies spread about me, I’ve seen innocents around me made to suffer and I’ve felt powerless to help. I’ve had my heart ripped out. I could describe the detail, but it would not be appropriate.

I’ve regularly found myself broken and unable to stop weeping; but I’ve also discovered a deep and solid “defiance” in me that I can always push off against when I’ve hit rock bottom. Knowing that is there will enable me to rebuild and thrive in the future. I have found a level which can’t be suppressed or denied.

There has also been a “conspiracy of events” that seem to be lining thing up so that things are put back to how they should be. Those who have put their own self-interests above the innocents in this situation are unwittingly bringing about their own demise. I’m not one of those innocents, but throughout I have sought to take the high ground and do the right and ethical thing; and as a result things are starting to go the right way for me and mine. I feel my actions have been giving room for the “powers that be” to get in and do their thing (a bit like Thialfi in the Hrungnir tale).

I’m far from being out of the woods yet, but I can already see how some of those closest to me were only there for what they could get and where not good for me and those I care about. I can also see how this situation – although it has been absolute hell and the worst thing I’ve ever had to face – will ultimately be to my benefit. I’ve also found a “Balder-esque” invincibility at my core which has even seen me asking the heavens for more pain so I know that I have truly been tested (a request which has never been denied so far).

The interesting thing for me is that this is the first time my “philosophical heathenry” has felt “real”. I asked and I got exactly what I asked for! I’ve also asked the ancestors for help at this time and I’ve had ideas and “compulsions” flash into my mind. Following those ideas has always illuminated something that was hidden and following the compulsions has lead to positive things occurring. As an example, I was sleeping one night and I woke up with an overwhelming urge to look inside something in my house. I did it there and then and a betrayal was illuminated. I had another urge to call someone I know but who is not a friend and not someone I ever really speak to. As soon as I called them they told me they were glad I called because they had some information that I needed to know. That information proved invaluable.

Most bizarre of all, at my lowest point I came into possession of a gold Thor’s hammer! I had wanted one for a while and miles away from home I was feeling miserable and walking through the last place on earth you would expect to find a hammer when I spotted the exact kind of thing I wanted for sale! What are the odds of that! Sure you can find golden crucifixes everywhere, but Thor’s hammers?!? They are a much rarer find.

The good thing is that, as horrible as this situation is being, I have found that there is a genuine “something” underlying the myths and that “something” is happy to interact with us through the forms of the myths. It’s powerful and dangerous, but can also guide us to better things and be a light in the darkness if we align ourselves with it.

It’s been both the best and worst of times.

Mark C.

[Tana]

It’s been both the best and worst of times.

Glad to hear you manage.

I came to believe that if someone is on a path towards themselves and the great mystery/the gods/*insert term of choice*, sooner or later a breaking point will come. One will find themselves pretty much in a pile on the floor, staring into the debris around and thinking: WTF?

Either you get up again, or not. That's the point where decisions are made.

This whole shattering and falling apart thing might as well would've happened without your prayer, too. We'll never know. But it sounds that you were ready for it.

Wishing you the best for your further path.

[Hyacinth Belle]

I’ve regularly found myself broken and unable to stop weeping; but I’ve also discovered a deep and solid “defiance” in me that I can always push off against when I’ve hit rock bottom. Knowing that is there will enable me to rebuild and thrive in the future. I have found a level which can’t be suppressed or denied.

<snip>

I feel my actions have been giving room for the “powers that be” to get in and do their thing (a bit like Thialfi in the Hrungnir tale).

<snip>

I’ve also found a “Balder-esque” invincibility at my core which has even seen me asking the heavens for more pain so I know that I have truly been tested (a request which has never been denied so far).

The interesting thing for me is that this is the first time my “philosophical heathenry” has felt “real”.

Mark, I've never seen you write like this.

I've quoted the stuff I relate to most.

Only difference is I don't think I've truly been "tested"... like I've been so blessed in my life, and even though there have been difficult times, I feel like I've yet to reach my limit and I always come out stronger. I don't know if this is because I handle stress well, if I'm conveniently forgetting the really bad bits, or if I've actually yet to be tested. ha. Not that I feel as though it's a requirement to "be tested" by one's gods, but at times I feel this sense of inevitability hanging over me--like things are "lining up," as you put it. As I get closer to graduation and ready to start my career, that feeling has somewhat intensified. I've already got half a dozen job applications out there; we'll see what comes up.

At any rate. Thanks for sharing, and stay strong; never surrender.

[Juniperberry]

…

Good to see you back, Mark.